How to Attract What You Actually Want
- Brandon Small
- Jul 2
- 4 min read
Have you ever said, "I keep attracting the same type of person," or "I keep ending up in the same kind of environment" — and wondered why?
I've been there too. And some of the best advice I ever got, back when I was trying to find a new partner, a stronger community, and better-aligned people, was this:
You attract what you use to attract.
Not always consciously. Not always intentionally. But the energy you put out, the standards you accept, the way you see yourself, and the life you're currently aligned to — all of it speaks before you even say a word.
This isn't about blame — it's about responsibility
Let me be clear: this is not about blaming yourself for every person or situation that has ever entered your life. Life is more complicated than that.
It's about responsibility. Because if you want to attract something different — a healthier relationship, a stronger community, better friendships, better opportunities — the first step isn't searching harder.
The first step is getting clear.
Clear on who you are.
Clear on what you value.
Clear on the kind of life you're actually trying to build.
Because it's next to impossible to find someone with the same values as you if you're not clear on your own.
When you're not clear, anything can look good
If you don't know what matters to you, almost anything can look good in the moment:
Attention can look like connection.
Excitement can look like alignment.
Comfort can look like love.
Status can look like security.
And sometimes, we use the wrong things to attract the right people.
If you use money to attract people, you may attract people focused on money. If you use image, you may attract people focused on image. If you use performance, you may only attract people who know the version of you that performs.
But when you lead with authenticity, values, honesty, curiosity, and the life you're actually trying to live — you give the right people a chance to recognize you. That's where alignment starts.
You are the subject matter expert of your own life
At Life's Not Small Coaching, one of the things I believe deeply is that you are the subject matter expert of your own life. That means the answers aren't always outside of you.
Sometimes the work is slowing down long enough to ask:
What do I actually value?
What kind of people make me feel more like myself?
What kind of environments help me grow?
What standards am I no longer willing to negotiate?
What energy am I bringing into rooms, relationships, and conversations?
Because once you know what you value, your decisions get clearer. You stop chasing every connection. You stop shrinking yourself just to be accepted. You stop confusing being chosen with being aligned — and you start building a life that naturally puts you around people who care about similar things.
That doesn't mean everyone will be exactly like you. They shouldn't be. But shared values matter. They're the foundation. They help you build relationships where you don't have to constantly explain why honesty matters, why growth matters, why peace matters, why consistency matters, why accountability matters.
When you know your values and live in alignment with them, you become easier for the right people to find.
A simple reframe
So instead of asking, "Why can't I find the right people?" try asking:
Am I clear on who the right people are for the life I'm building — and am I living in a way that helps us actually meet?
Because sometimes the goal isn't to become more attractive to everybody. Sometimes the goal is to become more honest, more aligned, and more visible to the people who are already meant to recognize you.
That's how you attract what you actually want. Not by pretending. Not by performing. Not by becoming whatever gets the most attention — but by knowing yourself, honoring your values, and building a life that reflects the kind of people, love, and community you're trying to welcome in.
Your one-minute move today
If this hit home, take one minute today and write down three values you want your relationships or community to reflect. Not what sounds impressive. Not what other people expect. What actually matters to you.
💬 Want help getting clearer on that?
I offer a free 15-minute chat where we can talk about what's important to you, what you're trying to build, and what alignment could look like in this season of your life. Reach out through Life's Not Small Coaching and we'll start with a simple conversation.
And I'd love your feedback: What's one value you're trying to live more fully right now? Drop it in the comments — your answer might help someone else feel less alone in figuring out what really matters.
Always remember — whatever you want to do in life, don't do it small.
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